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I have just returned from a run. It’s shocking to state this fact. It seems it could have been a decade since my last. Yet It came to my attention that my tests indicate elevated cholesterol, and doctors suggested to engage in vigorous activity on a consistent basis.

It’s the initial instance in living memory that the driving force to be active has been my bodily well-being. During earlier years, I ran because I desired to slim down. At times I ran to cure my anxiety – It was an avoidance tactic from the anxiety, instead of dealing with it. Sometimes, I exercised because I sought to improve at running. It signified what it meant to me then to develop a superior lifestyle.

Exercising with new motivation now got me thinking about the approaches I’ve related with my body over my lifetime and the way it’s evolving as I progress from early adulthood to being a middle-aged person. I don’t think I’ve respected my own body, not fundamentally. I’ve appreciated it only for its roles and the objectives it fulfilled for me: trying to attract others; escaping emotions; running a faster 5km. Up to now, I hadn’t realized that my body is me, it is my existence, as opposed to a tool for outcomes.

Much has been discussed through history about the division of mind and body – which it’s comforting to know, I’m not going to precis now. What I’ve found most fascinating is Freud’s understanding that mind and body are naturally unified from the beginning, because physical development requires psychological development and vice versa. A baby’s corporeal feelings – for example the physical sensation of hunger – motivate consciousness to develop the ability to recognise hunger as a feeling that is alleviated by a feed; and the mental reassurance and contentment repeatedly brought by repeated nourishment nourishes the infant’s psyche similar to the milk nourishes them bodily. Similarly mental events – like the wish to get up and attain a goal, and the resolve to try again and again – are why and how the body develops power. Starting at birth, our physical and mental selves are interconnected in mutual development as unified as a spiral.

But I have noticed, in sessions with my analyst, that my consciousness and physique may exist in a different kind of relationship – a less unified and somewhat abusive. My psyche may employ my body to store and express elements that my consciousness views unwanted or intolerable. During therapy it emerged that exist certain emotions that I worry I can’t handle; rather than feeling these psychologically, I unintentionally force them into bodily form, where they remain as physical symptoms.

I previously experienced digestive discomfort – unrelated to what I’d eaten, but was a kind of bodily backlash of the more acidic feelings I was unable to process psychologically. It wasn’t an intentional act, but when it was brought to my attention through therapy, and my dread and sensitivity and anger and terror became palpable and put into words instead of transformed into bodily feelings, it disappeared. It’s uncommon for me from stomach problems currently.

The worst time I experienced this intense reflux, I didn’t sleep for multiple consecutive nights. It seemed I was forfeiting my mind. I consulted my doctor, who arranged multiple diagnostic procedures, but no issues were found corporally problematic. The situation was another doctor who told me that the cause might be emotional. My therapist concurred. I was surprised, but I recognized it was correct.

If an individual experiences a physical symptom, they can be offended upon hearing that it could have a mental root. They can experience as invalidation, being told that their condition is fabricated. Naturally it’s a real phenomenon – some face their suffering ignored or incorrectly identified. Yet occasionally it might be that the corporeal issues are genuine – no question – and the origin is emotional, the subconscious employing the physique to convey emotional hurt or anger or any feeling the mind is unable to bear. Sometimes, we might assume our feelings matters solely when it is expressed through the body. We continually disrespect our mental states as individuals, collectively and culturally; how else do we accept the appalling reduction of psychological therapies through health services?

Personal insights have taught me that a superior lifestyle is unattainable while caught without realization in modes of connection, within ourselves and with others, that stem from devaluation, exploitation and dealings. Such patterns are often easier to identify “out there” in broader culture. It may be less comfortable to think about their origins, and to identify these patterns within ourselves and within our closest relationships, in the workings of our minds.

But it’s valuable to continue. Upon wearing my trainers again post a long hiatus, going outside without aiming for physical improvement, or to escape a sensation, or to surpass a personal best, {it